165 minutes is a long time to be sitting in a narrow chair, strapped in, legs cramped due to lack of leg space, fluctuating air pressure popping your ears and making you nauseous, topped off with old, lecherous uncle leaning dangerously towards your shoulder while pretending to sleep.
Watching the only movie offered on Kingfisher Airlines’ entertainment channel, suddenly, didn’t seem like such a terrible idea.
The movie kicks off with Neil Nitin Mukesh sweating, water being poured over him, as he shakes his mane like a Greek God and looks up at the audience with his honey eyes- I could definitely get through this movie! And at the moment that I thought that, i didn’t realise that ironically, getting off on NN was going to be the ONLY thing that was going to get me through Lafangey Parindey.
My NN fantasy was rudely interrupted by non-made-up Deepika Padukone going “kai kai kai” , the Dolby digital sound making her sound like a sea gull, and making me mute my headphone for the period, and what seemed like a long period, that she spoke for. The story line winded it’s way through Mumbai chawls, in faked Marathi-tapori lingo, slums, goons, guns, car accidents, corrupt cops- sex lies and video-tape- you know, your typical Mumbai package!
NN learns to figure skate over-night, when he beats up the goons they fly from one end of the street to another with the power of his blows, the ocean parts for his motorbike to ride through it- ok, I know he’s hot, but reality is not going to bow to him and change itself because he flashes that sexy smile, ok! And before I know it- the over night figure skater has won some national reality TV with his kai girlfriend and is famous! And everyone’s saying, “The blind beauty wins India’s Got Talent“! Wait a minute…what?? Deepike Padukone’s supposed to be blind? She was walking all over Mumbai like she knew where she was going, no stick, no dog, her lip-liner and eye make-up were in perfect lines (maybe her mother did her make-up for her), her clothes, shoes and accessories perfectly colour coordinated, she didn’t even pretend to look into nothing in an attempt to act blind! Now that’s someone I’m NOT donating my eyes to- she seems to be managing just fine without them!
By then lecherous uncle had woken up and was wiping the spittle off his slobbering mouth, and the captain was announcing landing in 10 minutes, and in-flight entertainment had to be switched off. What a pity- I had so many questions to ask the Stra y Pigeons! Isn’t art supposed to be a reflection of reality? When will Bollywood grow up? And most importantly, when will Deepika Padukone even attempt to try to learn to act?