The Newest Sleaze-Flick

Anurima Chanda

Postscript: when Hollywood meets Bollywood.

Our hearts leapt up with joy as the movie-shovie ban got lifted and we had another hangout option for the summers.

‘New York’?

‘Nah re. Too serious for our moods right now.’

‘Kambakkht Ishq then?’

‘So be it’

So grabbing the set of tickets for the first day first show, we all turned up at the theatres to gear up for another worthwhile masti-maroing session! The dark interiors of the theatre was lighted up with a large Deepika Padukone changing roles as a doctor now, a corporate agent sometimes and what not, to demonstrate the advantages of a reliance connection(or was it some other connection?) to us lesser mortals. Yes, yes, we hooted and we whistled. Not acceptable behaviour I know, but kya karein, chutti yaar!!

And then came the blackboard-y announcement that indicates- Behold, the movie is about to begin. Tightening our seat belts and one last pre-movie uproar, we settled down for Hollywood meeting Bollywood.

Ahh… There it begins. The credits are all red-carpet entries rolled into one. Here comes Jolie baby, there goes Jason Statham. Wowie, Jack Sparrow look-alike!! Stallone, Stallone, Stallone!! The brands zoom past us in whoosy-whaashy!! Louis Vuitton, Dior and other what-nots!! Yes, yes, again: we are still hooting!! Our fellow audiences are in big-shit!!(pardon my langue) Poor guys!! They will have to endure us for the entire movie. Arre we are in the highest of spirits today and intend to retain it for the rest of the movie!!

The Dhoomy-stunts…life of a stunts-man!! Mmhm!! Interesting beginning. Then there is this confusing crisis where somebody is getting married to someone else…Aftab to Amrita. The hurdles: Akshay Kumar and Bebo! How can you get married so early?? When you can get ‘it’(mind it, the connotative ‘it’!!) why get married?? Guys just seek one thing from a ‘female’? (Still hooting!) The story rolls from here into their Christian reception where Bebo patti-paraoing Amrita to refrain from ‘it’ for three months to justify her point and Akki brain-washing Aftaab. The battle of the sexes dramatically floored with an okay-okay dance number, which is gradually accelerating from sleazy to sleazier! Umm, still hooting but a little uncomfy when the girls bare their bosom(with their backs to the camera re!!) with our ‘male’ troupe going ga-ga!

Nevertheless good fun yaar! Chalta hain!! So Bebo is a multitasker, doing a lot of things to earn her degree as a surgeon. And stuntsman Akki is sleeping around after his daily dose of stunts. BUT!! Dhiring!! Dhiring!! Dhiring!! Aftaab’s marriage is on the verge of becoming ‘on-the-rocks!!’ *wink!! You know why!! So newer plans getting formulated, while Bebo’s maashi is trying hard to get a stubborn bhaanji agree to getting married. Plans backfire-greater rift between husband-wife! While maashi gifts Bebo a watch which chants “mangalam bhagwaan Vishnu…” every hour!!(we are beginning to link up the trailers with the actual storyline I think!!) Decreased volume: but hooting!!

So Akki hurt during stunts-shunts and taken to Bebo’s nursing home where she will be performing her first surgery! First time in surgical history-but not so in bollywood, the doctor comes all sanitized and gloved but retaining her watch!! Twaaing goes the watch in Akki’s tummy and dhwaaing scares doc out of her wits! Now Doc wooing ‘less IQ wala’ stunts-man and stunts man taking bhao! The evergreen watch in Akki’s tummy plays its song every hour and scares the stunts-man. In comes an array of characters, Javed Jaffri, Booman Irani, Dennis Richards, Sylvester Stallone etc. (Constipated hooting!!)

Like the classic Bollywood twist, the hero falls in love with the heroine, but heroine was toh play-acting to get the ghadi out of his tummy. So phizzz goes the anaesthetic injection into the hero, out comes ghadi, and fhusss goes his dream that the heroine was actually in love with him!! Yes dear, they do get back at the end… com’mon!! Hindi movie!! They have to!! Must say that the directors and producers were intelligent people.  They knew that inspite of all their attractive star-cast and amazing dress-designing(yes, we did go ga-ga over the entire movie wardrobe), it would be unfair to stretch their no-storyline-storyline beyond two and a half hours; yet it remained a very painful experience!! But the point is not that, the point is how we enthusiastic souls were reduced to unhappy-smileys even though it was supposedly a full-on ‘masti’ movie! Stars failed, star-gods failed too, even sleaziness tired us off!! In short found nothing worthwhile in the two and half hours.

Since I was totally zapped during the last reel of the movie, I do not vouch for my observation completely. And also since movie-reviewing remains the domain of the subjective I hope I am not penalized for such a decelerating hooting spree, but politically-correct as I try to remain, I couldn’t help but share my experience ‘exactly’ as it had evolved for me that Friday. Hope Bollywood outgrows this nightmare(and I thought they sell dreams!! L) and at least achieves a classic strip when aiming such sleaziness if not anything more superior!

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"The Newest Sleaze-Flick" by @bongbuzz

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  1. Aha.. Thanks for the review. I thought this movie would turn out to be really great but now after reading this – no way. I would better invest to watch harry potter-i love him absolutely.

  2. great one! it was hilarious :D love the way ur language flows and the lack of structure just reflects how u feel when u watch tht movie.