A Forced Carpe Diem

Trina Talukdar

I found out I had to leave four weeks before I had to leave. The email was matter-of-fact, “Please find your travel information attached…” They were not subject to change.

What the email should have also said is how little time four weeks is, insufficient to say good bye to the people who make up my life- who wake me up, who make me laugh, my home, my dog, my pots and pans, my watchman, my grocer- my life as I know it.

But the email said none of this. And I embarked into those four weeks under-prepared for how little time four weeks is and how long good byes take.

While sleeping at night, if I stirred awake in my REM cycle, I would become acutely aware of the smell of my pillow, the family photographs above our bed, keeping my eyes open for a few moments longer to enjoy this waking sight. I would turn around and hug him tightly as I fell asleep again, not even wanting to waste my sleeping hours spending time with him. If I wanted to watch T.V. I would make him watch it with me, if he was cooking I would work at the kitchen table. I found a way to make every everyday action into something we did together.

I didn’t miss a single weekend of taking Courage to the park. Even if I had gone to bed at 4:00 a.m. after a Friday night farewell party (and there were a slurry of those), i woke up at 6:00 a.m. took Courage swimming before it got too hot in the day.

And yet, the time passed, no matter how much I clung on to it in my sleep. There came the last time I picked O up and we drove to work together, singing along to Honey Singh playing on the car stereo. And there was the last time that I dropped her home. There was a last Monday Hoppipola Happy Hour, a last Tuesday gym class when the hottest trainer always comes, a last Wednesday, Thursday and so the week and my time ended.

It was heart wrenching. But now, that I look back at it, it was the best way to live my life. I had to squeeze my whole life into four weeks, and so I hugged and kissed more than I do in months, I took more time out to throw the ball to Courage, I met friends to say good-bye that I hadn’t met in six months, even though we live in the same city. I let my car get coated in mud and dust because I’d rather spend that time with the people inside it. I ate a season’s worth of mangoes, not wasting time cutting them into peices, but squeezing them into pulp and sucking it out from the skin and getting it all over my face and clothes like when we were 8 years old.

And that’s why good-byes are important- so we can figure out who and what are the most important in our life, and give every moment to that. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! I had so far only heard it from poets. But if you do your “good-byes” the right way, they are an ‘imposed‘ kind of Carpe Diem. When you know you only have 4 weeks, or a few days, or the last few hours, you are  forced to live every moment of you life like it is the last- because it is!

Good-byes are important so we can squeeze one years’s worth of our life into four weeks. And so, if I can regularly and consistently spend my life saying good-bye and moving on, I will have lived my life many times over.

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"A Forced Carpe Diem" by @bongbuzz

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  1. Hi Trina, I recently visted Kolkata for one last time before I move to a new city for studies. And I felt just the same. Sometimes the new beginnings in life become essential to shake us up from the life that we had been living in a limbo so far. The goodbyes help us remember the good times, appreciate the conversations, plan many more get-togethers that we would have found time for had we continued living the same way. Carpe diem truly makes sense when the next moment in life becomes totally unpredictable, and that is really when we learn to seize the present moment.

    1. “Gather ye rose buds while ye may”- I suppose :)
      Good luck where ever you’re on to next, and hope you say good bye to that in Carpe Diem fashion soon enough.